nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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