shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Randomize
