i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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