Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
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