remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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