Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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