Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
