he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize
