When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
