Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
We left an ass print on the piano.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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