There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
