I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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