Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
