The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Sorry my hands just texted you
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
