if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
