He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Randomize
