So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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