Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
