I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
