How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
