The maid of honor just puked.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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