I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
the room spins SO much faster in panama
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
