How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
