I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
