i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
