Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
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