The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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