So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Randomize
