only you would photoshop your dick
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
