I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
