The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
