Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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