Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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