I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
