It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Randomize
