my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
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