dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
