You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
