i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
