If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
