vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Randomize
