The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
