I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
what is it with giant penises always finding me
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
