I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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