and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Randomize