Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
