We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
