To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
