what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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