im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
