in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
