hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
