It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
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