There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
So squirting runs in the family.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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