Banned from zoo.
Again?
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize