I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
He did a backflip because drugs
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