Have you finally orgasmed yet?
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize