The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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