Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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